Wednesday, September 11, 2013

I heard a whisper in the dark...

If you've been following my blog and know my story, you know that I'm still on this journey called Lyme Disease treatment. It's definitely been a long one and at times very difficult, but there have been many times where God has whispered into my heart and reminded me that He is here for me. Another common reminder from Him has been to use this time to grow. Let me tell you, I have grown in so many ways since the beginning of this ride, but there is always more growth to be had.
The verse, "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10) has always been a challenge for me. It doesn't necessarily mean to stand still like a statue, but rather to let go and relax. It's been very difficult for me to spend this time taking care of my body and not being able to work, especially since I just graduated from college. I was ready to hit the ground running and start the new phase of my life, but my diagnosis ruined that.
I have to constantly remind myself that it's okay that I'm not working and that it's not a reflection on me, but simply a unique situation in which my health comes first (it really always should). I have to let go, relax, and trust that through this time there is continued growth and healing.
A couple nights ago I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone and I was sharing all the great news of the day. I felt so loved, so supported and very grateful. Although I felt really bad physically, my heart was swelling with love. (Side note- because insurance only pays for a month of IV antibiotics we have to raise money to pay for the following months, as well as other medicine and medical bills. It's been almost 2 years and we feel forced to ask for help.) That day a few people donated on gofundme and we had great news about the possibility of a benefit, so of course, I was thrilled. My heart simply wanted to praise God because once again, I knew that He does provide and He is good.
Fast forward about 30 minutes...the pain that I was experiencing was intense. It wasn't in one place, but all over my body. In fact, it brought tears to my eyes. That doesn't happen often, but when it does my mind races to places that aren't so happy. Thoughts of anger, disappointment, confusion and sadness. You see, Lyme Disease treatment is a lot like have to get worse before you get better. When the bacteria is being killed off, toxins are released which causes temporary exaggerated symptoms, also known as the Herxheimer reaction. So most of the time when I am feeling really bad, I remind myself "It's okay, the bugs are being killed!", but there are other times when I say, "Enough is enough!" This was one of those times.
It's crazy how I can be so happy to the point of tears and then all of the sudden those tears turn sour. Maybe it was the Devil trying to take away my praise or maybe it was simply the consequence of this aggressive Lyme treatment. Either way, I didn't like it.
In the midst of all this pain, there was a stirring in my soul and I heard a whisper in my heart. The whisper comforted me, stopped my tears, and I knew that God was there. He was holding me and wiping away my tears. I always know that God is with me, but there are sometimes where His presence is magnified. Just like there are times when I hear His voice audibly, but most of the times I don't. That night, the stirring of my soul pushed me to write and I realized that God was whispering to me in the dark...
"You sweep over me like an ocean wave.
Overwhelmed by your power and refreshed by your provision, You prove to me that the world isn't all bad and that You are constantly moving to bring about Your glory for You are good. I lift my hands in the awe of the way You move."
"Although it doesn't make sense...
Although it hurts...
It doesn't stop You from loving me and me from loving You.
You speak through the disappointment...
You speak through the pain...
To remind me that I'm not alone.
Nothing can separate me from Your love...
Not trials, not pain, not disappointment...
You continually love me through it all."
I say all of this to say, that even in the darkness and even through the pain, God continues to move...continues to woo us...continues to show us that He is there for us, to comfort us along the way.
Have you ever been in a rough situation where God clearly spoke to you? Or maybe where you simply felt His presence?
I'd love to hear about your experience :)
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I'm so glad you stopped by! I can't wait to hear your thoughts. Be blessed :)